There was a time I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. In May 2005, when my son was diagnosed with autism, my five year marriage a total disaster and I had to sacrifice a career I worked so hard to obtain to insure my son received all the outside services he needed, there was no light...only darkness. However, everything changed when I ignored the present and projected where I wanted my son to be done the road. Jonathan received intensive therapies only having about a 20-25 word vocabulary in 2005. Now I'm down that road and he won't stopped talking. I went back to a former career that I hated and learned to love what I did. I focused on my core strength of everything involving numbers and did incredibly well in the stock market.

Then when one of the three most important people, my dad, passed away, my world was rocked like never before. Again there was no light at the end of the tunnel. The pain at first was constant as every time my telephone rang I was hoping it was my dad. I would hear his strong voice in my head constantly. As time went by I would be going along with my day when all of a sudden the intense emotional pain would return. I then read a letter from my best friend's mother, Rose. In that letter she wrote, "as time goes by the stone fallen in the pond sends out ripples that are larger at first, but smaller as more time goes by. Finally that ripple finally disappears into the pond of the unconscious. It's there that special memories return in a loving way. No pain, just pleasurable memories". Further on in Rose's letter she wrote "growing older we find ourselves mirror images of our parents fighting against becoming them. But in the end, we do become our own person as at long last we can do whatever we want without recriminations, without the threat of loss of love, loss of approval from the ever watchful parent. Few of us escape from self imposed bonds and perhaps our own entrapments. When a parent dies, we look into ourselves on another level, a level we have never been at before". It wasn't my choice for my parents to physically leave this planet. The words from The Byrds song Turn! Turn! Turn! have true meaning about the circle of life:

"To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven"

I'm just part of the circle of life and my last chapters are going to be a dozy. My book, Living Outside The Boxe, was written to serve as an inspiration for those who have a special needs child where you cannot see the light at end of the tunnel. To those of you who suffered a loss that at the moment seems unbearable. My book is for adults as the last chapters are pretty graphic and show my twisted sense of humor. With the passing of my parents, I finally discovered who I am and with that a happiness I never experienced before. Finally, I found out that based on the way I've been programmed (with Aspergers Syndrome), I always tried to remain true to strange and bizarre as it was to others.

Here's the link to Amazon and the Hard Copy and the Online Version.



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